I think the best way to describe this year would be that it’s been “dosed in additional illness and self-discovery”, with very high ups and deep down lows. It’s impossible to describe some of these and, others, are simply too personal and therefore private. 

I’m an ever-evolving person and some days it’s tricky

Writing (and a newfound love of music) have been the one constant, even if that’s to jot down simply a word or two in my notes app. I’ve always written for myself and shared it for others. The problem’s been, however, I don’t know what I want to share. 

I feel like I’m at a stage in my life where I’m ever-evolving, so, I’ll think in one moment: “I want to share this” and feel unenthused by it in the very next. It’s difficult because I miss this place, I miss all of you. One difficulty of being almost housebound is the loneliness and it’s always felt like this takes me out of the house for a bit and lets me meet people. So to have that taken away because of my own thoughts is hard. 

Meeting my future in the eyes of others and myself 

Luckily I have been making online connections, and some good friends and even started a relationship with the best person I’ve ever met (who even gave me the confidence to post this), elsewhere. Even if I miss this place and all of you from my very bones and want to return, if I hadn’t left, I never would’ve gotten that opportunity – I wouldn’t have begun to walk on a path that has only enriched my life in such enormous ways.

I think the line between allowing your thoughts to stop you from doing something good for you and letting them take you to the right place where you’re meant to end up is close and can get muddled.

However, I truly believe I needed this time away – to let all the jigsaw bits that make me scatter across the floor away from anyone’s eyes but my family’s and girlfriend’s (the people I trust most) – so I can properly begin the self-development I need.

Despite the growing pains, it feels beautiful to grow

The reality is, when I began this blog, I was a very lost and – quite frankly – sad fourteen-year-old and now I’m a lost but far, far happier nineteen-year-old and those two people look and are very different from each other. 

It was bound to happen at some point that I needed to step away and feel as far away from the many versions of myself I was to find the version of myself I wanted to become. In quite frank reality, I’m not sorry I did so but proud; albeit if the choice was taken out of my hands. 

I’m also grateful because, had I not, I would never have met someone I love so deeply and who has taught me the healthy type of romantic love and neither would I have met the friends I have. I needed to step away for so many things to happen, things beyond my imagination.

I won’t promise anything but to give me as and when I want to

I officially restart university next week and I’m both excited and nervous, I have also written a few bits on this which – as long as my thoughts don’t dissuade me – I hope to share. 

I also have a few other pieces I look forward to sharing. I have hundreds of poems, musings and other bits that I want to share and, although they never all will be, the idea of being able to choose from such a large collection when my brain is still hesitant at what it wants to be puts me largely at ease.

If there’s so much to choose from, although it might be difficult sometimes too, I will always have something I can share without (at least much) hesitation and, therefore, I can be much more present here than I have been; something I really want. 

Having said this, I don’t know how much I will be posting and you’ll have to be patient with me! 

I hope you’re all well.

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