On Saturday, I learnt of the passing of a dear friend of mine. A friend who paid so much warmth, love, kindness and beauty into a world that was often cruel and unkind to her.

One who I’ll never forget or stop thinking about.

Even though I had so little time with her as a friend on Earth, and we’d spoken less in recent weeks, she will always be a friend in my heart and my mind.

For a little bit, I was angry at myself and felt guilty. I always meant to send her a song to say hello again (it was her thing) and I was going to.

Life just got in the way.

I never stopped thinking about her or missing her, I just wasn’t ready to go back to the little online community we were both in.

It was just too much and I needed to heal from some recent traumatic events in my “real” life before I did. I just thought they’d all be there when I returned, and I could message them to say hi.

Only time isn’t always so kind, it can snatch people we love from us at any given moment. I learnt this years ago, so why hadn’t I known that?

I felt such guilt with a thousand should haves:

I “should’ve” appreciated the fragility of life better and more.

I “should’ve” been a better friend and been there for her.

I “should’ve” gone back sooner and told her how much I’d missed her.

I “should’ve” told her I loved her and it was an honour to be her friend.

I should’ve, I should’ve, I should’ve.

’Til you’re blue in the face with a million teardrops on your lap. Hindsight can be good but, damn, it can be bloody ugly and hurt worse than a ton of bricks.

What hurt most was the unknown of “did she know I always meant to go back and get back in touch with her? that I never stopped caring?”

Then I found something and I smiled.

Before I cried, I smiled because I knew it was a sign from her. (If you don’t believe in the afterlife, that’s okay but please respect my beliefs as I do yours.)

Telling me she knows the love and care I hold in my heart for her, telling me she knows I was always going back, telling me she was proud I’d taken that time, telling me she wanted me to continue for as long as I needed.

After all, was the type who’d have said those things.

Who’d remind you that you’re doing well and who’d cheer you on. The type who’d remind you that you deserve what you want and need in life, no matter how hard it might be to achieve, and who’d cheer you on as you made those steps.

I’ll always have her in my head, rooting for me and telling me I can achieve magical things. Especially when I doubt. And she’ll be in my heart as I experience the magical things in life.

I say goodnight my angel not goodbye.

Lots Of Love,

And Big Gentle Hugs,

Tig x

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