Navigating the Spiral of Negative Thoughts [Blog Post]

This one’s gonna be a difficult one to write, in yet I know it’s one I need to write; one that’s been in the waiting for years. 

For me and for that one person who also finds themselves spiralling into deep, dark holes of self-criticism and feelings of failure.

If that’s you, hi! you’re not alone…

Let’s grab a drink and talk about our brain’s habit to tell us how we’re a failure and how we’ve failed in everything we’ve ever done. 

Internal alarms tell me to stop.

At this point, my brain screams at me to stop – that I’m a failure for even admitting that I “let it” call me one; ironic, huh?

For a minute, I even doubt whether I’m “strong enough” to continue but, whilst it would be strength to admit if I wasn’t ready, I know that I finally am and that I now need it.

Then follows a moment where I question if this is my stubbornness talking – a worthy question – but then I realise that, no, I do genuinely need this and can do it as long as I keep checking in with myself.

Checking in is something I cracked with my physical health over a decade ago and which, only recently, I’ve been getting better at doing for my mental health – with immense help from those around me.

a wrapped pine cone shaped candle lays on an “and they were roommates” tote bag which, in turn, lays on a cream knit cardigan

Another sore spot for years now.

Instead of accepting that I needed time to learn this often tricky task, I’d ridicule myself about not being good at checking in and accommodating my mental health that day, hour, second.

Before we’re even diving into the original birth of critical thoughts, there’s a thick layer screaming about how I’m a failure, failure, failure, failure for letting this body of murky thoughts exist and for struggling to check in. 

Perhaps it’s an obvious feat but it makes me feel even further like a failure and then, shocker, the spiral… spirals. Why? Well, I put another thing on my shoulders. (What a shocker!) 

I promised myself long ago to be kinder to myself and to shut any and all thoughts of being a failure down immediately. It’s the most ironic thing because I then end up feeling like a failure for “calling myself a failure” for feeling like a failure… 

Like you’d imagine, this goes in never-ending circles that – as quickly as a racer on a racetrack – make me feel worse and worse. And the worse I feel, the harder it is to get out of the spiral. 

To make things more difficult, these spirals often either hit me out of the blue or during flare-ups, etc., and I’m more vulnerable to the thoughts taking over.

A wrapped pine cone shaped candle, two crystals, a wooden with “every cloud has a silver lining” and a “and they were roommates” tote bag lay on a cream knit cardigan with some faux leaves

An infinite amount of puzzle pieces

Whilst I could go into what the original slip this time was, does it even truly matter to the full picture and how I need to be so much less cruel to myself in general?

Of course the internalised self-gaslighting of telling myself that I failed because I didn’t stop some abuse I went through, which was the original slip, is important and will come up in therapy. 

But it’s just one piece of a never-ending puzzle and if I name it as “the problem”, the reality will get lost and then what next time? It’ll be just as bad. 

Whilst I don’t know the remedy, I’m pretty sure that’s not it. Instead, shouldn’t I be using the spirals as life experiences to learn from? 

After all, you wouldn’t – for example – keep getting plants and never analyse how you killed it this time to prevent it from, at least, being so bad next time. 

Analysing what I need for future spirals

Perhaps by considering what I didn’t have but need, what would’ve helped and if there’s anything I could do to have those things next time I begin to spiral. 

(If it’s something you’ve already realised, kindly shush – I’m revelling in having made the realisation!)

I think the problem’s been that I’m either in the storm or too focused on the sunrise afterwards; sometimes being scared that considering the storms will make clouds appear. 

Is that really healthy though? To never learn about what I need to make things hit less, to, therefore, never curate a bag of the essentials I need to act as my umbrella? 

I’m realising, in my writing of this, it is far from healthy. 

(See, sometimes it’s helpful “just” to talk it out! *wink*)

Hopefully if I instead acknowledge that these currents will come and go, then I’ll be able to build my essentials to fight them and therefore resilience up. 

My individual essentials will likely hugely differ from yours and vice versa, just as our needs will. Perhaps, we’ll even have different ones for different occasions and situations. 

But, with trial and error, we can learn major bits of our identities – what’s important to us and what has massive positive effects on us.

In an effort to ease this, I’ve written two “essentials”.

Even, maybe, we’ll learn what our struggles are and what would help with them.

For example, I struggle beginning conversations – often finding myself avoiding doing so, fearing that it will make the thing (or things) “real”. 

Firstly, to write some of the most common things that come up on another note to copy and paste when I am struggling. This will, of course, not cover all occasions but it will help me during the more common spirals. 

Secondly, to write it as a story – me as the main character, but perhaps taking another name – and then share it with those who need to know; obviously with explanation that it’s not just a story.

A candle, two crystals, a wooden with “every cloud has a silver lining” and a “and they were roommates” tote bag lay on a cream knit cardigan with some faux leaves

And, now, for you

Of course, these are completely tailored to me and therefore may be completely different from what you need. Only you will know what you, individually, need and maybe even you won’t know straight away.

If you don’t, that’s completely okay. (And pretty normal, gasp!) Instead of giving up, take it as a time to look inward and to who you are, what your values are (something I’m planning to discuss soon) and what needs you have.

As frustrating and hard as it may be, it’s a crucial part of developing a better future for yourself and relationship with both you and life. 

If you know more about who you are and what you want (and need), then life becomes a heck ton easier to deal with because there’s a motivation and self understanding that didn’t exist before. 

Do it for you. 

And, if you can’t, do it for those around you and/or the type of people you hope to meet in life. 

Lots Of Love,

And Big Gentle Hugs,

Tig x


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