As I’ve gotten older and developed as a person, my ideas for The Zebra With Rainbow Stripes have changed and developed too.

Today, I’m talking about that journey, its depths and where I’m planning to go with my blog (and beyond!).

Where it began

See, I started my blog when I was fourteen and felt like I didn’t have a voice. After five years of being near housebound, I had basically no social life or interaction with the outside world.

I had no friends my own age outside of family, I felt isolated and like I was the only person going through what I was because representation was seemingly always out of grip.

It began as a cry to be heard and seen by the world I felt invisible in. And I’m proud of that because, in a world that routinely tried to push me in a dark corner, I was still fighting to be seen and heard and respected.

At times, it felt easier to crawl into that dark corner. It felt inevitable I’d lose to it. It felt like a pointless fight I could never win.

Worse were the times it felt deserved because I was too much, too little, never simply enough.

Then, it shifted

That lonely 14-year-old screaming to be heard who believed they’d always live for others, not because they wanted to, grew up and felt a ray of sun on their face.

Step by step, I found myself (still continuing to), met friends online, felt more visible, realised it’s okay to need medication for the chemicals in my brain and relearnt what it feels like to want to live again.

I took a couple years mostly away from here. It wasn’t a choice but I’m glad I did as it gave me the space to realise who exactly I am and what I want from this life.

Without it, I fear I’d have continued trying to be who I thought I needed to be instead of just being me, in all my flawed beauty.

I wouldn’t have found my people in friends because I would have continued to hold parts of myself back and not been me.

What I want

Standing back from the blog made me realise what I wanted to post and talk about the most.

I realised it was the tricky, icky things people try to stay away from talking about or which I’ve feared judgement on.

It was all the things I felt/feel the most alone in while knowing deep down I couldn’t be.

Things I feel anger and frustration about, like how disabled individuals are expected to be a spokesperson 24/7 on anything loosely related to disability.

I realised I want to build somewhere people know they’ll to find disability and/or queer representation, essays, guides, poems, recommendations, musings, videos and so much more.

A place I’d love to hang out if I was the reader and, eventually, span out with a child friendly area of The Zebra With Rainbow Stripes.

A place I’ve often needed and was never able to find.

It’s going to take time

The truth is, I have a whole lot of ideas and hopes and dreams. It’s gonna take a long time. Especially as I can only put a very small amount into achieving it.

When has that ever stopped me? For long, if at all? I’m not about to start letting it, either.

Some things might change over time, stop being so relevant, prove impossible for me to achieve.

Nevertheless, some will happen if I keep making small steps and maybe I’ll achieve things I have no idea about right now.

I’m stubborn and pig-headed

Sometimes it gets me into trouble; situations where I’m being bopped on the head with falling toilet roll and shouting for help.

But, if something to do with the moon aligning happens, it means I survive (quite literally at times). It has always taken me longer to do things but that also means that I’m more resilient.

It’s threatened by my self criticism and judgement, the way I bully and gaslight myself.

Some days I just curl up and cry.

Some days I feel worthless or like a failure.

Some days it seems as though I’ll never get anywhere because of the obstacles always in my path.

And, daily, those around me have to remind me of my worth.

But, nevertheless, my resilience is just that – resilient. Therefore, I’m sure that I’m going to achieve at least some of what I dream to. If I do things little by little then I’m sure I can accomplish little by little too.

Slotting everything together

I’ve been trying to figure out how it all slots into place like Ikea furniture. However, unlike a flat-packed table, I actually believe I have the ability to fit it all together. Even if it takes some duct tape, zip ties and WD40.

While I always loved to use them to represent the depths of a life with illness and disability, I realised that it doesn’t align with my current voice – the one I want to build – it doesn’t quite fit with its randomness.

It wasn’t that they were bad, I still love them richly, but they were for what the blog was and not what I want it to be.

So how do I piece random things – books, crafts, films, and more – into the bigger picture I envision?

Well, I’ve realised the base of everything I want to achieve is creating something that I didn’t have but needed, that my family needed while trying to navigate life where disability affected most things.

So, in my aim to create somewhere that has resources and lifts unheard voices, I want to make my rambles fit this tone.

I’m thinking lists of books with (positive) disability representation, playlists for Pride, favourite accessible apps, and reviews with disability and/or queer representation at the centre. (And more…)

Because I’m just one voice out of many but I am one voice and I’m gonna make it count like I personally want to.

Lots of Love &
Big Gentle Hugs,
Tig x

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