I’ve been struggling a lot this year – a lot more than many of the years that have come before – and, of course, I naturally turned to writing and this poured out.
It’s not what I hoped to be sharing this year – neither will I be able to do the posts I wanted to do. I had many blog ideas, but that will have to wait until next year. I need to recover first; that’s the most important thing here.
After all, if you don’t put your oxygen mask on, you can’t do much and I have so many big dreams and hopes. They’ll just have to come later which is always hard for me, especially with my highly questionable self-worth!
However, I’m using them to carry me forward in the hardest moments.
I’ll be sharing smaller posts and talking a little about what I wanted to do before my mental health went so downhill, but I’ll desperately be trying to be kind to myself.
I hope you’ll offer yourself kindness too – no matter what’s happening in your life.
After all, it’s the holidays and we all deserve it; especially right now.
I feel like anyone who’s been following me this year will be dizzy from my back and forth; maybe they won’t be, but I am.
There’s been times where I’ve returned and announced that I’m, indeed, back. Then there’s been times I’ve ghosted you all for extensive amounts of time.
(I’ve been worse than a toxic partner and I’m sorry for that.)
Self-guilt holds me back.
The self-guilt that follows me about everything I do, every mistake I make, is eating this up and so I back away…
Maybe if I just don’t post – don’t try – maybe that’ll be better than failing?
Perhaps I’ll feel less like a burdening failure – as if it were ever that simple.
Now, you may be thinking “isn’t all this too serious?” and well… you’d be right if it really were as simple and uncomplicated as it seems.
Society weighs our worth by our productivity.
When you add that to the picture, it should become clearer…
Like many who can’t live up to that, it’s embedded the self-esteem of a blunt pencil into me.
My blog was one thing I could say “look what I’ve achieved” – be proud of (as much as I can be of something I’ve done, aha!) and stick one finger up at the judgement with.
Therefore, it’s hurt not to have it and the reason I haven’t hurts even more – it’s something my mind can blame me for legitimately and it likes that.
I have big ideas.
While it’s true this is a very rare available career option with my disabilities and health, I also adore writing and working to get pieces ready.
It’s something I’m really passionate about and, while it might take me longer than others, I greatly enjoy.
The truth is, I want to do this for a career and I can only do that if I don’t keep vanishing.
I have so many ideas for blog posts and articles and how I generally want this place to be. In fact, I have so many pieces written – whether finished or parts needing to be woven together.
I need to start having confidence.
One of my worst habits is writing things and not having the confidence to push them further; including to prepare them for publication.
In my drafts, I’ve written about some big topics: there’s a collection of ideas about the loneliness that comes with chronic illness; an essay on how the term “brave” is complicated with disability and all sorts of poems about mental illness, chronic illness, disability and queerness.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m as proud as I can be about them (again self-pride is… complicated) but I have niggles of doubt and, so, I don’t post them.
I tell myself I’m not “good enough.”
There’s tears in my eyes as I write this part and, at the same time, I feel stupid for it.
I was (don’t ask why I’m not still) in therapy for years, dealing with these things so I feel like I should be “over it” by now.
I know that’s far from the truth – I wonder if it’s part of my self-esteem to not think I’m doing “well enough” with that either.
No matter what, I’ve been told right from young I’m not good enough by the world at large and that definitely reflects itself in my work.
I write but I don’t post.
As I’ve always said, writing is my therapy and I’ll writeuntilthe day I can’t – even if it’s just two sentences here and a few words there.
In fact, I remember us finding an old notebook of mine and, although illegible, it showed how I’d always used writing – even before my letters looked like any alphabet.
There’s poems, stories and rants on pieces of paper from various points in my life and there’s some only god could know what they are.
Begging to be heard.
When my speech failed me (which, with speech difficulties and brain fog, was/is often), I turned to writing to get my voice heard.
Even in my medical notes, there’s a handwritten rant (with its text getting bigger and bigger due to my hand pain) from when I was 10 or 11.
It illustrates how little I felt heard and, after gaining my approval, my Mum sent it to everyone who it was appropriate to – including my school and GP.
I continue to write, I just don’t post.
Even though I don’t truly want to, I’ve just been keeping my work as drafts – even when they’re complete – because I don’t have that confidence.
I tell myself “what right do I have to discuss XYZ when there’s writers out there way better than me with much bigger voices?”
Then that becomes “I keep ghosting the platform I do have, what right do I have to talk about XYZ when I’m so bad at this?”
I need to stop this cycle.
I feel trapped and there’s only one way to break free of the cycle that locks me in chains: to fight the fears and self-criticism and just post.
It’s gonna be far from easy and there will be times I slip but I’m tired of the shackles I’m placing on myself. I’ve got so many already, I need to stop adding to them.
Of course, I don’t know how that will look like or how long it’ll take or how many setbacks there will be. But I do know that I’m determined to not let my lack of esteem keep holding me back.
As I’ve gotten older and developed as a person, my ideas for The Zebra With Rainbow Stripes have changed and developed too.
Today, I’m talking about that journey, its depths and where I’m planning to go with my blog (and beyond!).
Where it began
See, I started my blog when I was fourteen and felt like I didn’t have a voice. After five years of being near housebound, I had basically no social life or interaction with the outside world.
I had no friends my own age outside of family, I felt isolated and like I was the only person going through what I was because representation was seemingly always out of grip.
It began as a cry to be heard and seen by the world I felt invisible in. And I’m proud of that because, in a world that routinely tried to push me in a dark corner, I was still fighting to be seen and heard and respected.
At times, it felt easier to crawl into that dark corner. It felt inevitable I’d lose to it. It felt like a pointless fight I could never win.
Worse were the times it felt deserved because I was too much, too little, never simply enough.
Then, it shifted
That lonely 14-year-old screaming to be heard who believed they’d always live for others, not because they wanted to, grew up and felt a ray of sun on their face.
Step by step, I found myself (still continuing to), met friends online, felt more visible, realised it’s okay to need medication for the chemicals in my brain and relearnt what it feels like to want to live again.
I took a couple years mostly away from here. It wasn’t a choice but I’m glad I did as it gave me the space to realise who exactly I am and what I want from this life.
Without it, I fear I’d have continued trying to be who I thought I needed to be instead of just being me, in all my flawed beauty.
I wouldn’t have found my people in friends because I would have continued to hold parts of myself back and not been me.
What I want
Standing back from the blog made me realise what I wanted to post and talk about the most.
I realised it was the tricky, icky things people try to stay away from talking about or which I’ve feared judgement on.
It was all the things I felt/feel the most alone in while knowing deep down I couldn’t be.
I realised I want to build somewhere people know they’ll to find disability and/or queer representation, essays, guides, poems, recommendations, musings, videos and so much more.
A place I’d love to hang out if I was the reader and, eventually, span out with a child friendly area of The Zebra With Rainbow Stripes.
A place I’ve often needed and was never able to find.
It’s going to take time
The truth is, I have a whole lot of ideas and hopes and dreams. It’s gonna take a long time. Especially as I can only put a very small amount into achieving it.
When has that ever stopped me? For long, if at all? I’m not about to start letting it, either.
Some things might change over time, stop being so relevant, prove impossible for me to achieve.
Nevertheless, some will happen if I keep making small steps and maybe I’ll achieve things I have no idea about right now.
I’m stubborn and pig-headed
Sometimes it gets me into trouble; situations where I’m being bopped on the head with falling toilet roll and shouting for help.
But, if something to do with the moon aligning happens, it means I survive (quite literally at times). It has always taken me longer to do things but that also means that I’m more resilient.
It’s threatened by my self criticism and judgement, the way I bully and gaslight myself.
Some days I just curl up and cry.
Some days I feel worthless or like a failure.
Some days it seems as though I’ll never get anywhere because of the obstacles always in my path.
And, daily, those around me have to remind me of my worth.
But, nevertheless, my resilience is just that – resilient. Therefore, I’m sure that I’m going to achieve at least some of what I dream to. If I do things little by little then I’m sure I can accomplish little by little too.
Slotting everything together
I’ve been trying to figure out how it all slots into place like Ikea furniture. However, unlike a flat-packed table, I actually believe I have the ability to fit it all together. Even if it takes some duct tape, zip ties and WD40.
While I always loved to use them to represent the depths of a life with illness and disability, I realised that it doesn’t align with my current voice – the one I want to build – it doesn’t quite fit with its randomness.
It wasn’t that they were bad, I still love them richly, but they were for what the blog was and not what I want it to be.
So how do I piece random things – books, crafts, films, and more – into the bigger picture I envision?
Well, I’ve realised the base of everything I want to achieve is creating something that I didn’t have but needed, that my family needed while trying to navigate life where disability affected most things.
So, in my aim to create somewhere that has resources and lifts unheard voices, I want to make my rambles fit this tone.
I’m thinking lists of books with (positive) disability representation, playlists for Pride, favourite accessible apps, and reviews with disability and/or queer representation at the centre. (And more…)
Because I’m just one voice out of many but I am one voice and I’m gonna make it count like I personally want to.
When you’re a part of the disability community, society often expects you to be A PART of it. It’s not a job. It’s not even voluntary. So why are we expected to be a voice or do service like it is?
Before they were digitalised, an entire trolley in the hospital would be dedicated to just my folders of notes.
My wonderful mum would request them from the hospital yearly so we could keep up with what was going on.
The hospital repeatedly “lost” notes, even after being digitalised, and withhold what they gave us for an extended period of time. Therefore, every piece we got was precious – even if it wasn’t exactly needed.
It was cathartic to shred everything we didn’t need and I felt as if I was saying goodbye to some of the hold that the hospital’s still had over me.
Recovery isn’t easy, especially when you know you’ll never get the answers to important questions like the how and why of things happening.
One day I feel mentally stronger and the next I’m a crumbling mess. But I’m making good steps forward and I’m not going to let the hard days win, as easy as it may seem sometimes.
As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t get on with resolutions. They stress me out, and I don’t feel like they give enough freedom for life changes, something that chronic illnesses tend to amplify to extreme levels.
Still, I like writing down my goals and hopes for the upcoming year and assessing them at the end. How I categorise them to keep them flexible yet motivating and rewarding to achieve is:
Goals: the ones I feel have a good chance of happening.
Hopes: the ones that have a chance of happening are iffier.
Whilst it may seem “silly” to others, it’s what works for me and has done for years now. I didn’t manage to assess my 2024 ones last month, so I’ve rolled them into one post and bullet-pointed my 2025 ones!
Goals
Goals can be scored, taken, and missed by football players, and they’re no different from life goals; only they are bigger pieces of our lives’ puzzle.
Tig Ellis
Meet Chloe in person
Brutally honest, this never happened and will never happen. We had quite a sour breakup, but one that left me feeling proud of myself for sticking up for myself.
I realised that if they love you, they will make time for you, and that’s not too big of an ask to make. You won’t be an option but a conscious priority and hopefully, one day, I’ll find that.
For now, though, I’m prioritising myself and my healing. Quite frankly, I and those around me who genuinely care deserve that, and whoever may come into my life does, too.
Legally change my name
Although it’s still high on my priority list, 2024 had other ideas. I quickly found that it was a year I had to fight the currents and get through.
Amongst my own series of issues, my Mum had her Ischemic Stroke in April, and I needed to put my oxygen mask on before helping to put hers on. So, this took a backseat.
I live as Tig Ellis day-to-day, and I’m very dissociated from my deadname. I still want to be recognised and known by everyone as Tig Ellis. It’s who I am, and I deserve to be. It will be a 2025 goal, but it helped in a sink or doggy paddle year.
Keep finding me and who I am
Ironically enough, whilst it’s the only goal on my list I did achieve, it was the one I felt most anxious about. I have a memory like Dory’s and can’t remember why, though.
If I’m to guess, it’s likely because it’s a new thing where I let myself be me and find who I am. It’s scary as you think: I’m so proud of myself for getting to this point; what if I slip?
But one thing I knew was key to sticking with and focusing on was this. Ultimately, I think that fear helped me massively realise how important it was to my mental healing.
If I hadn’t, I may not have considered it a priority when this year became priority-based. However, as it stood out as a concern about losing it, it was clear to me that it was high on my priority list.
Finish my first module
I got to the stage where my newest attempt at university was once again making me ill, and my lovely Mum and sister Rhianna – who I live with – practically threw an intervention.
They had noticed I was no longer doing it for the right reasons but to prove to everyone that I could. It had become a sense that I was a failure if I didn’t do university. And, when they said it, it suddenly became clear to me, too.
Our worth doesn’t depend on qualifications, job titles, salaries, or what we have. It’s whether you’ve got a good heart or not. I knew that for everyone else but when it came to me, I had to let go of holding myself to invalid standards.
Hopes
A life without hope is like Earth without a Sun. With its light gone, how can we possibly see the way?
Tig Ellis
Being kinder to myself
I won’t lie, it’s continued to be a constant battle added to by outside sources I won’t name. I’ve always struggled with affording myself kindness and compassion instead of usually being my own biggest bully.
But the best part of two decades of my brain building these self-beliefs and habits of these spirals aren’t going to disappear in four months. Therefore, it’s been hard, and I’m going to have to continue with it, but I’m still proud of how far I’ve come.
Start selling my crafts
I have achieved this, but I want to go into 2025 with the goal of making it accessible to all of you. I want to create a place on this website, or maybe using Etsy, where I sell my weaves, loom knits, and poems as cards or posters.
It will likely be more towards the end of the year, but I want to work towards it until then. I want to make it something I can proudly say, ‘Look at my name there, that’s mine!’ and something you all will (hopefully) like.
Write for an outside source
I am beyond proud to say that I did this and that I was a writer in a wonderful analogy that will hopefully go on to help many. It was the first time I’ve been paid for my writing, and I honestly wasn’t expecting to be going into it, but it’s helped me see my worth better.
It’s made me feel much more confident in my writing and the worth of my words. I have things to say that are worth listening to, and when I struggle to believe that, I go back to the credits that have my name and just smile.
You can listen to Infinite World of Vision here. It’s about different life transitions and aims to help young individuals with sight impairments. I’ve spoken about wanting it to exist for a long time, and I’m beyond proud to be a part of it.
Just put myself out there more
Looking back, I think I meant this in so many ways. I wanted my writing out there, my name better known, and I guess you could say that with the book. Even though it’s not how I saw it coming, and although the book has so far been a drop in the ocean, I’m proud of it.
Meanwhile, when it comes to my accessibility work, I wasn’t too successful with all my life’s events. Besides this, I met some fantastic friends online who helped me to sew up my long, broken heart.
I even met an incredible person who has been there for me this past year through some horrendous times. They’ve become my best friend and rock. So I’d say I achieved this and am proud of that.
2025 goals and hopes
As I’ve spoken about several of my goals and hopes, and this is getting rather long, I’ll just bullet point my hopes and goals for this year.
Goal: legally change my name.
Hope: write for more outside sources.
Goal: keep finding myself.
Hope: become consistent on my blog.
Goal: continue being kinder to myself.
Hope: start selling my crafts here.
Goal: keep putting myself out there.
Hope: start listening more to me.
What are your 2025 hopes and goals and did you meet your ones for 2024? I’d love to know!
Twenty. I am twenty. Two decades. It might be a long while until I get used to that. I used to think people in their twenties knew what they wanted in life, who they were and wanted to be and just knew stuff.
Tig Ellis - The Zebra With Rainbow Stripes 