I think the truth is, I stopped giving a toss about how people think I should be, should act, should live. When people usually talk about that, they don’t talk about the effort or time they put in to get there.

Partly, I think, that’s because it can be beyond hard to stand up and admit that it did; you want to have stopped caring without a second thought, without effort, without tears of frustration and time used.

For most of us, however, it’s not that simple. It’s not a click of the fingers and we stop caring about other people’s critiques of ourselves, it’s a long, hard process.

One where we’ll often probably doubt our ability but one where we’ll grow a heck of a lot being on and, by the end, perhaps we’ll know a lot more about who we are.

You know – the person who really exists or would do if we let it out. Not the one others or our own critical voice says we are or the one they think we should be, but the one who lives deep inside ready to be released, ready to be allowed to live and breathe and dance and frolic, begging to be unchained and let out.

So day by day, helped by my loving family and amazing girlfriend, I let that person out, I listen one less time – perhaps consciously at first – to the judgement of others and my own warped perception on my worth and the validation of the person who lives inside me.

For one, I made the difficult but beyond relieving decision to quit uni. I can’t even believe I’m writing this, I mean even two months ago, I wouldn’t have let myself make that choice.

I’d gotten so caught up in proving that I could to many of my abusers and everyone else who had doubted me just because my body doesn’t work as well as theirs. Even realising I was doing this was immensely hard because I’d convinced myself that I’d long stopped doing so.

But day by day with all these people in my life now who genuinely believe in me and with my determination to live for me – not for or despite anyone else – I made that hard realisation and I made a promise both to myself and all of my loved ones that I was going to stop.

It still took me time to talk myself into officially quitting but I think that time as I worked on myself and built myself up to doing what I needed and wanted added building blocks to the person I am (even slightly) proud to be becoming.

As I sat back and reevaluated my life, as much as my health lengthened this process like most others, some of what I want from my life right now and for the next few years sunk into my very bones and I’m now making a lot of steps towards these goals.

Only a few people closest to me know both what those things are and the steps but I can say how much happier and lighter I feel now.

The reality is, especially with chronic illness, you need to be completely passionate about what you’re doing because otherwise it just becomes another massive stress to add to the load and cause you more problems.

Without that passion, any knock (and believe me does chronic illness come with a lot of them) will flatten you because, simply, you won’t have the motivation to get back up and keep fighting toward the goal, past all of the consequences.

Now, even whilst I have a huge ton of things going on medically and stress wise, I look forward to the time I put towards my work; which includes being a writer in an anthology planned on release at the end of the year. (I’ll talk more about this at the time.)

I even use it to get through some of the toughest moments because I’m excited to begin and continue it. Furthermore, I am practically my own boss which allows me to have the true understanding in what I need and ability to switch off or switch on when I need.

How many other positions allow you to not work in the mornings (due to inability to function during those hours) and work at 10pm, 12pm or 3 in the morning? Others might judge but it’s the way I have to do things and I have, on that one, long been more than okay with.

The point is I’m living and for the first time in far too long I’m doing it for me, stuff what anyone else thinks. I’m not hurting anyone, I’m earning a bit, and I don’t go to bed each and every day dreading waking up the next day just to survive.

Maybe others would still see it as depressing and fully limiting but for once I’m able to smile and feel my wings fly; goodness knows they’ve been tied shut for much too long.

I frankly don’t care what others think, I am finally soaring and I know this time I won’t fall because I took my entirety – including my unpredictable complex health – into account whilst working on the foundations of my new life.

So what’s it to be, fellow sailors? Living by the expectations of others or letting you live? It’s up to you but know, despite what doubts you have, you can do this and you’ll always have a huge supporter; I’ll even make signs and banners celebrating you if you want… unless you’re a serial killer… just… don’t… don’t do that…

Lots Of Love,

& Big Gentle Hugs,

Tig x

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