I’ve been reluctant about sharing my story of discovering my identity in this way, and that’s because of multiple reasons if I’m being honest.

Firstly, I’m very lucky – compared with too many others – to have my very supportive family, and therefore I keep telling myself that I shouldn’t tell my story as surely what I have to say won’t be as worth sharing in a way of helping others maybe?

Secondly, I don’t want it to be seen as anything more than a straight person’s sexuality would be and I’ve been worried that if I talk about it more than just in passing it will become so.

But, then I thought that I’d share it, because I had a gut instinct that I needed to. Also, I’m an advocate that everyone’s story holds much worth, as much as everybody does, so surely it would be wrong to continue with that?

As for the latter, I hope that it won’t as I’m thinking that it shouldn’t really do so; the story is about finding my identity as an LGBT+ member, and that is something which every LGBT+ member will hold.

The words poured onto the page; in such a therapeutic and easy manner. It was needed and, as with everything else that I write, it took less energy than the thoughts and emotions swarming around in my brain; a brain-dump if you will.

I knew afterwards that I needed to share, a gut instinct told me so, and therefore I’m scheduling this for some time in Pride month for all of you wonderful people to read; it just seems right.

It’s all too easy to get caught up in others’ stories and begin to reflect badly on our own. Being Chronically Ill forced me onto a whole different path than the one that I would’ve taken had I not been ill.

Everyone knows that, it’s pretty glaringly obvious. But what not everyone knows is that it also completely changed the course of my journey of finding my identity as an LGBT+ person.

I was nine and a bit when I became “really ill” (see this post to know why I use this label). I had been getting those butterfly feelings for certain girls/women for some years beforehand.

My celebrity crushes had all been women. And, don’t tell, I even had a crush on someone from school at the time who was – you guessed it – a girl.

Looking back, I honestly think that had I been given a few more months of normality then I would’ve discovered that I definitely wasn’t straight at least.

I was very young, and had been a believer in the dream of being a wife one day and having a husband for far too long and believing that I was straight, to be able to continue with the steps that I had been taking to find this part of my identity when my illnesses heavily severed and stripped any sense of normality within my life away.

I’m not exactly sure as to why I thought that I was straight. Maybe it’s because I had previously had a best friend who was a boy, and it was cool to say to my friends at the time that he was my “boyfriend”.

We had lost touch over a year before this, and it’s clear that for some years after I had confused the love of great best friends with the childhood type of romance.

But, these feelings that I had previously had and did have for those my own gender were clear to me too – I mean I definitely recognised them but they were so heavily caught up in mass confusion.

Even though I wasn’t able to mix with peers, they continued – through celebrity crushes, missing some in real life with these feelings, and, when older, through online connections.

It wasn’t so simple as “I have these feelings, I like girls, end of” after I became “really ill” – because my situation with my health, my medical treatment, and whatnot took centre stage.

It made coming past the “I’m straight,” thing far more complicated as I was confused about who I now was as well, and struggled further with discovering this part of my identity as I didn’t spend more than a tiny amount of time with those my own age. And, before this there was my young age and everything.

I was twelve (and a half – for added context) when I lost my sight, and a new “who am I without sight?” was added; creating a deeper pool in the way of finding out who I was as a whole.

Years passed, and I started to properly recognise these feelings. But it was actually my kind, wonderful and supportive Mum who slid the final puzzle piece into place for me by kindly asking whether I was gay. My immediate family were very supportive; it’s just a part of my identity.

I remember their loving reactions and continue to hold them close to my heart, because they were so sweet.

I always knew that they would be as they’ve been supportive my whole life and my parents have always let me and my siblings be whatever our identities may be, they will always love us, be proud of us and be there right behind us all the way just the same.

I wasn’t expecting to be met with unjust and prejudiced views from a couple of my wider family members. I wasn’t expecting to be told by those that I couldn’t possibly know whether I was or not.

How could I be when I hadn’t mixed with those my own age that much (in person) since the age of nine? how could I be with my health and disabilities? how could I be anyway as I was too young (14/15)? – some of their views.

That they knew me way better, that I had previously had a “boyfriend” so couldn’t possibly be gay.

That my feelings for those who I had met online and liked in this way were dismissible as online relationships didn’t count at all, the same for celebrity crushes.

That any feelings before I became “really ill” were dismissible also as I had been too young for them to count. – some more.

These were only a couple of people, the rest of my family were incredibly supportive, and I was lucky – compared to many – for this, but it still hurt.

Luckily I had my immediate family’s and other family members’ and friends’ huge support, which made these views much easier to face.

It was a while until I came out on social media. I wanted a fitting and “me” way to do so, and I didn’t want to make a whole big thing of it – I just wanted to say “I’m gay, it’s just a little part of who I am though, end of”.

These actions were very personal to me – everyone should do what they individually want and need. I had to wait for it to be what felt like the “perfect” time to as this was what seemed “right” for me, and that came in the below post.

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A post shared by Tig 🪻 (@thezebrawithrainbowstripes)

Then again, you may count the below as my “coming out” post. My Mum was the one who took the photo and placed me under the poster, and it was really fun to do.

Honestly, I still wonder whether anyone who didn’t know at the time noticed and took it as more than just a poster that happened to be in the background; probably not, but I do wonder for fun sometimes – if you did, then let me know, I’d love to know!

I recently cleared my Instagram feed as I felt somewhat vulnerable with certain things that I had posted previously.

I was having some months of vulnerability struggles, which I’m still having to some extent at the time of writing this, and it was right for me with the possibility of bringing them back into my feed at any time – and others only made sense or fit with those, but this one stayed; so you can still see it!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Tig 🪻 (@thezebrawithrainbowstripes)

I really hope that there is at least one person who can relate even a tiny bit to my story, and who stumbles upon this, and it helps at least a little.

I’ve never actually seen a story of finding your identity as a gay person whilst being severely chronically ill, and I’ve always wished of finding one as being able to relate is something that is strongly needed; surely adding to my gut instinct of the need to share this.

If you are an LGBT+ member, have you ever shared your story online or have you thought of doing so? – I’d love to know.

Lots Of Love,
And Big Gentle Hugs,

Tiegan Elise x

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